Andi is Fucking with Us

Just say it, Andi. You know you want to. You keep dancing around what you really want to say, and we all want to hear it. Just SAY IT. YOU ARE HERE FOR "THE RIGHT REASONS!"

Have you all noticed this? Andi will say, "I'm here for . . . " and I wait with bated breath to hear the words every single Bachelor and Bachelorette contestant says at least 200 times a season and instead she ends it with " . . . love," or "to find an amazing partner," or "helicopter rides."

The PREVIOUS Bachelor helicopter ride: Never forget.

Speaking of helicopter rides . . . the first one on one date brought us Eric. I feel like Eric should have worked on his wow-a-helicopter-I-can't-believe-it face because I didn't buy it. Which is not his fault because if you are surprised when a helicopter shows up to whisk you away on your date while on the Bachelor/Bachelorette then you have been living under a rock (with no cable service.) If I were on the show, and got a one on one date, I'd be planning my most helicopter-ride-like outfit. Maybe a wispy scarf that can flow in the tornado-like breeze created when the copter touches down? At this point, if there's no helicopter, there better be a yacht or private jet.

Just normal first date stuff

The first half of the date was really lame. Yes, you can pretend it was amazing because two super smoking hot people got to do cool things like fly a kite on the beach and then take a helicopter ride to a mountain. (Which was mentioned at least 17 times. "We started on the beach, then we were in the air, and then we were on a mountain. It was SO CRAZY!" No, it's not. It's LA and you both have been here so shut up already.) They kept talking about how cool the actual activities of the date were because there was ZERO chemistry. Finally, at dinner, it seemed like they connected a bit more on an emotional level, but it was also incredibly sad because we all know Eric is deceased now. Hearing about how badly he wanted a family was pretty soul-crushing.

You guys, did you SEE the surprise he had that they were going to snowboard? Because, landing on a snowy mountain-side with a pro-snowboarder greeting you by doing what I'd refer to as "snow-ramp-tricks" didn't tip him off. And I have to at least mention once that Eric is one of those people who has done such amazing things with his life that you feel like total garbage about yourself. You cannot beat this guy in a culturally aware one-upmanship. It ain't gonna happen.

The group date was fantastic in the way I wanted to hate it and look away but I couldn't because I like looking at shirtless dudes oiled up. Like the time I went to Chippendales in Vegas for a friend's bachelorette party and was ashamed at how un-ironically I enjoyed it.

Yes, that's Ian Ziering in the middle. Obviously.

Plus it's for "charity," everyone! I'd LOVE to know what charity, but they never say that! They just keep saying "charity" in a very general way that makes you feel like they are pocketing the money to buy that new stereo they always wanted. Maybe they will have some money left over for some Mike & Ike's!

Dance, gentelmen, dance!

The set up for this date was one of the most awkward moments in Bachelorette history though. A group of hot clueless dudes walks into a bar and another group of hot dudes start a full-on strip routine. The guys want to be enthusiastic but they have no idea what they are going to do. Don't worry, out comes a 50-something year old man in a lame blazer with no shirt and reading glasses. All will be explained!

ew.

Double ew.

Craig shows his true colors. The only thing he likes more than drinking is looking at Josh's body and telling everyone how perfect Josh's face is. I was only surprised that he made it past the first night because he has been an over-enthusiastic weirdo from the time he stepped out of the limo.

But wait, he will fix it all the next day with a song he spent at least a solid 5 minutes writing and rehearsing.

The next one on one date is with Chris, my favorite, who I know will probably lose because he is SO sweet and so in love with Andi that he is just bound to get his heart ripped out of his chest. He was so enamored with her and sweaty the whole time. I heart him. How awkward it is when they do private concerts with groups that no one has ever heard of? So. Awkward. I'd much rather it be at an actual concert (meaning, they have hired extras to pretend like the group is a big deal, somewhere in the world.) But Chris did well! He actually got up the courage to kiss her and then he was the most smitten kitten I've ever seen.

This is what the cutest looks like

Back to the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Why didn't we see more of whatever the sock puppetry that was happening with the hairdresser and Andi? Between the lamp, the sock puppets, and the hair cut, I want this guy to have more screen time!

What Andi really wanted to say to the guys she let go:

"Hey Craig. You just really fucked it up. It's not just the raging alcoholism. You're also like the human embodiment of a golden retriever puppy, you're just all over the place. Bye!"

"Carl, you look so much like every other guy on this show, I've completely forgotten who you are. Even those disguise-glasses won't differentiate you. Bye!"

"Nick S, it's not the pink shirt or the fact that you look like the missing member of Color Me Badd, it's that we have zero chemistry. But the other things don't help matters. Bye!"