The Bachelorette - Andi Dorfman and the Ombre Improvement

Last night was the season premiere of Andi Dorfman's season of the Bachelorette. The fact that it's Andi, a smart, sexy, strong woman this season will keep me from having to hate-watch and I can sit back and enjoy(ish). Things started off nicely last night. It seems like we picked up with Andi right where we left her last season, but with a much better ombre.

Drastic Ombre Improvements

Before we get to limos over-flowing with testosterone and gimmicks, it is revealed that this season A BACHELOR HAS BEEN KILLED OFF! What?! Those studio execs are really changing things up this season! (RIP Eric Hill)

If this were The Bachelor we would get the first twenty minutes of B-roll shower-taking and working out over voice-over of how their wife and mother of their children will be at the mansion that night. But, this is the Bachelorette so instead we get B-roll montage of Andi shopping and pretending to work at the courthouse, except the courtroom is completely empty so we just see her admiring her own diploma. The producers REALLY want us to understand that this is the SMART Bachelorette.

Intense ombre lawyer-y picture

The next segment is always my least favorite of the premiere episode: the awkward discussion with a family member or friend where they talk about how many people he/she will have to kiss and the family member tells them how much they deserve love. Andi also asked her sister which dress she should wear for the first night: a gorgeous, elegant sequined number or something that looks like it was picked out at Charlotte Russe by a high school freshman. SHOCKER, she picks the first dress.

NOW WE GET TO THE GOOD STUFF! Chris Harrison shows up and reminds Andi that 25 men are about to pull up in her driveway. (They sure are, Chris.)

These are the noteworthy men for one reason or the other:

Chris the farmer from Iowa. Andi will totally break his heart, right? He may just be the most adorable and genuine guy to ever be on the show. I hope reality television doesn't ruin him. I would have given him the first impression rose.

I don't even know the name of the "Pantspraneur" and I don't want to. Is pantspraneur supposed to be a less effeminate way to say "fashion designer"? If so, you really missed the mark, dude.

Marquel brought a bunch of different cookies for Andi to try and all I could think was IF SUZANNE WERE ON THE BACHELOR she would just run into the sunset with this guy immediately. He should have brought some Guinness/Harp to make a Black & Tan though instead of the Black & White cookie to make his analogy work better.

Tasos is on my fave list because he had a very sweet and original "fresh out da limo" shtick and genuinely listened to Andi and tried to get to know her.

Ugh, Cody, no. A grown man who took a picture of a cupie doll to the hair stylist and said, "Give me this!" If there is another Bachelor Pad, his over-tanned, too-tight jacket with popped collar will be on it. He's the very typical Bachelor guy that I can't STAND.

Why?

Brett stole a lamp from the hotel, brought it with him in the limo, pulled it out and presented it to Andi. He is either did this because: he is making a comment about how ridiculous everyone's gimmicks are OR he is absolutely crazy. If it's the former he's one of my favorites. If it's the latter he is one of my favorites. I love him and his late 80's rat tail.

Intimate moments

Ron is sexy. Jen, who I watch the Bachelorette with and who happens to be a lesbian is interested in dating him, THAT'S HOW SEXY RON IS, PEOPLE.

The Future Mr. Jen McGlone

Brian the basketball coach had a sweet, "I tied my tie a million times can you check it for me and make sure it's straight," gimmick but I liked it.

I'm going to have a really hard time not having a loop of "He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead," every time Eric is on-screen. I'm just saying what we will all be thinking. It's sad and unavoidable.

SO MANY BACHELORS!

And then here comes crazy Chris Bukowsky from Emily's season trying to get on the show. I'm gonna burst some people's bubbles but: YOU GUYS KNOW THIS WAS ALL SET UP RIGHT?! Ugh. It was painful to see the security people, producers, Chris Harrison and Chris B try to act like this was a spontaneous cocktail party crash. The highlight was when Chris Harrison went to tell Andi what was going on and he looked like he wanted to embrace her. His eyes were saying, "Don't worry, Andi. There's someone that is already here that is meant for you. I mean, he could be right in front of your face. RIGHT. IN. FRONT. OF. YOUR. FACE."

"I'm going to guard and protect your heart, Andi"

First impression rose: Nick V. I was very surprised by this. He doesn't seem genuine to me at all. My pick would have been Tasos, for his ear gauges alone.

What Andi wanted to say when she got rid of the guys going home:

"Thanks so much for being here, guys. Your coats are very shiny but I can't tell if you are grown men or Kate Hudson's children so I'm going to have to send you home."

Andi's Mane Men (sorry)

"I have a feeling you are already a bit too invested in me and our future together. Plus, you should obviously date Dione Kuraoka, so I'm sending you home."

"I get it. We're both attorneys so you'd think that's all that matters. I would dominate you in the courtroom AND the bedroom so for that, I'm sending you home."

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS EPISODE:

Don't suggest that your name rhymes with a messy sex act.

Patrick and Andrew have a stronger connection to each other than they do with Andi.

Eric is dead. (SORRY, I CAN'T STOP THINKING IT!)

Sharleen, makin' opera hot

NO ONE IS MORE INTO ANDI THAN CRAIG. Good. Lord.

Singing opera is not sexy. Sorry. Opera SINGERS can be sexy (HELLO Sharleen) but the actual singing of opera is the opposite of sex.

Brown shoes with navy suits are everything (much to my chagrin).

There is no such thing as "fun attorney humor."